First day back in grade 12 term 3.... and already im fucked. not really school work, thats always easy and i always end up procrastinating like mad then getting a friend to send me theirs the night before, reading it once and then forming an entirely original piece of work around their structure. and getting a decent mark for it. so thats all good.

For all those who dont know broke up with my gf of 8.5months a week ago. If you can count what we had a 'relationship'. it was more an assimilation of continuing insecurities on both sides (and in reference to various other parties which really fucked me around..) with brief moments of blissfull ignorance. I still think that if we were to completely erase both our histories and start again at this very moment, we would be perfect for each other in most ways.... but its been so painful that i dont think either would ever be able to forget. theres always the future. theres always something to look forward to. theres always second chances and new loves.

but its been painful... less than a week before school started... when it first happened it was like a release, i was suddenly free of all the stuff id been silently suffering and i was ready to party. but time has worn on a little and i miss it all... being so close, but not being able to touch her or anything. but even before now i new she wasnt in love with me anymore, so thats the way life goes

but in the past two days rejected two offers for dates... it was just too soon, i didnt want to hurt someone by lying to them in order to try get over my own feelings

but ive realised how amazingly great the strength of my friendships are
within hours of breaking up i had about 6 sms' from different ppl checking if i was ok.
i had death threats (they were joking... i think) offered from some of my older friends
thanks kitty. u always make me feel better about everything.
thanks lyssa. youre my little sister. i wub joo...

thanks all my friends.. everyone of you is amazing


its aftermidnight (shock... horror...) on a school night, and ive had no sleep in the past couple of days but i dont feel like sleeping now so im going to continure this massive random entry because its making me feel so much better to put this in a public domain, one which wont be seen by her, because i dont want her to feel bad. shes had as much shit as ive had- not caused by me, and a lot of it was her fault anyway, but shes still a fragile person.

I just spent the last few hours sitting here reading DA journal entries from a few of my close friends and a few people that i sort of know but really, actually respect, more than the simple respect i have for all humans. and its amazing how much angst there is in everyone. i cant think of any enteries past halfway through year 11 in anyones journal which is genuinly happy for the entire entry, or which doesnt bitch about schoolwork (not saying bitch in a negative way, i bitch bout stuff a lot as well, it just best describes the tone of the phrasing).
But so many people have so much which is bad in their lives, and just cant see the possibilities and good things held in the future and what they could achieve, just what limits them now. Ive had this rant with aforementioned person, and is it only me who sees the potential we each have? the gifts each person around me has?? i mean, yes i know lifes shit for me right now, but i know in a week, a month, a year, however long it takes me to get over or get together or whatever happens with this person there will always be other things in my life. light. music. love. everything we need.

and thats one other little thing thats annoying me right now- music has become such a large part in my life, to the point that ive actually made a concious decision to take proper responsibility for my ability and do something about it (thou money doesnt currently allow for singing lessons so ill scrape by on my own for the moment). but once i leave school, im begining to think the chances of my involvement in the music scene are gonna rapidly disappear... i dont really have many musical contacts outside chorale- in the bands around brisbane. and dispite only having taken guitar up again this year, thats where i want to go into in my life eventually... dissapointing.

but i refuse to let it be depressing. because i believe if that is really what i want i will commit and struggle and sacrafice for it, and it will work out for me in whatever capacity it does. i guess we have to trust whatever power we believe in, or if we dont believe in a power, then trust ourselves. im still learning to do both.

im still unsure of the future, but i know that i will do tertiary study with a gap year- where i intend to learn to barrista, bar tend, play guitar in several different styles (blues, spanish, classical, rock, emo ect- ive only [re]learnt it for about 6 months or so, but i enjoy it the more i learn and the more i learn the more i get better at it), take vocal lessons, get drunk, look after my drunk friends (getting good at that now..), laugh, experiment with food, drive and road trip, take a romantic date out to mount coot-tha and lay on the bonnet of my car and stare at the stars, hit as many concets in brissy and anywhere else i can get to as my wallet and schedule will allow. and somehow save money <- thats the only real hard bit in all that.

im begining to feel so much better after that. supressing feelings just makes them darker. im not yet really ready to discuss, even with my close friends in brisbane, everything thats gone on in the past 8ish months, partially because it still hurts, partially because i still love her in some fashion and i dont want to hurt her by changing your opinions of her. partially because it would take me too long to explain everything, so id rather have you all there together and for me to go through everything so that you could mayby understand the details of my life recently, much of which you will have had little insight to. and id preffably like to do that with beer. its good.

this is the first time ive ever written anything near as personal in a public domain, and i realise now why people do. its not as attention seeking as telling someone face to face- they have the option of just passing it over or reading and not replying. but you express what you need to and thats more than you usually get in 'real' life

thats my life. anyone who reads this is free to leave a comment about anything, even if its just to say hey and let me know someone actually READ part of this. its a bit negative and a bit positive, so i guess everything really just balances out in the end. which is good cause it means theres a lot of DA ppl in for some serious good times in the future i hope to be there

night all. share the love